june 14th memoir

before i turned back on my life and decided to call it a quit today

before i turned back on my life

and decided to call it a quit today

i was at the peak of an identity

who jo nketiah was

how many people i was impacting

with my poems

the messages came in daily

how i was impacting life

but truly i couldn’t believe

it was that hard for me

always have

i knew that wasn’t what i wanted to do

but i didn’t know what i wanted to do either

but i knew somethings could bring sunshine

if i was on the phone texting

happily with Kingsley

we have had a rough friendship

but these days we are not fighting

i was happy

i knew the last thing was to ask my friend Alex

to stay away from me

and cancel going to watch the end game movie

and change my mind sleeping over at Fali’s end

the last thing i wanted was to exit from

some  whatsapp groups

especially the writers and readers grotto page

they are family

they root for me

they support me

everyone was going to get worried and truly they did

but i knew i needed something

i needed so badly to speak to a psychologist

i didn’t know where to find one

 

i didn’t know also

 

if everything happening was real

or it was just me living in an illusion

that i was depressed or

heading towards having a

nervous breakdown

 

i could put on a brave face at work

naturally

i still shared humour and jokes

but the emptiness in my life was huge

and i was messing every relationship around me

 

 

 

i was like a crying baby seeking for severe attention

almost like an obsession

and have contemplated if i will be missed should i die

i didn’t think about suicide

and the idea of dying was scary and uncertain

but at the same time i was beginning to embrace a

subtle liberation about death

but why was i feeling this way

what was actually wrong with me

was there something wrong

or i was just exaggerating the situation at hand…

there is a thin line between being paranoid and being cautions

at least today i started to take my anxieties into consideration

 

a writer sometimes doesn’t always get to tell a full story  and as my friend Jojo will say

“Words do the best they can to represent thought. But thought is bigger…..sometimes”

because when we write the things we truly feel and have going on in our minds at a moment our words dilutes it, we read cues off of people to guide what we say, thoughts float to intercept what we write….grammar and semantics can get us misunderstood

 

And if there’s anything I hope to be understood

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Jo. We are going through lots. But we are not done yet. Words indeed dilute our thoughts.

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