I am not Suicidal

I am not suicidal...

I am not suicidal but I have

been thinking of death lately

I must admit

That I have been scared to

think of him and yet been

welcoming at the same time

Today I sent a gift to a love one

And I almost wrote a note

“ You are welcome. Just in case.

I may not be here for long”

I must admit

It’s hasn’t been the headache

or the last patient I spoke to

She had metastasis all over her

Liver

I was seeing her for the third time

Everyday she appears wasting  away

But today I paused and asked myself

How many more years has she got?

And she?

I was talking about myself

what kind of object

is full on the outside

But so hollow on the inside

The object is me

I hate this feeling, I hate the fact

that I have to talk about it

I hate the fact that I don’t

Know what is wrong

I hate the fact that vulnerability

comes so easily

I hate the fact that I am a permeable

membrane to sadness

I am not suicidal but I have been

Thinking of that lately

Reminiscing my first accident

the flashes of light across my face

And my second

I hope it is my last

I still bear the mark near my right eye

I hate the fact that I can talk about it

I hate the fact that twenty minutes ago

I was laughing uncontrollably with a colleague

and right now I am typing these words in an empty room

I love empty rooms

I love walking on empty roads

I have been working too much of late

Sleeping little

Eating close to nothing

Listening to all kinds of high songs and low songs

Whitney’s I look to you

Celine Dion’s my heart will go

I ate KFC twice yesterday

the second I just felt to buy it

Is it true that these things are

happening?

Or I am just lost in the illusion

If i hit the publish button

I should be the bravest

No I should be worried

who sees this

Who reads this

No I should be worried

Who judges this

No I should be worried

If nobody feels like this

Sometimes too

 

Hey how how are you?

Honestly I am not fine.

And I don’t know why.

But this water will not drown me

The clouds are gathering up

my  rainbow for me

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