I am not suicidal but I have
been thinking of death lately
I must admit
That I have been scared to
think of him and yet been
welcoming at the same time
Today I sent a gift to a love one
And I almost wrote a note
“ You are welcome. Just in case.
I may not be here for long”
I must admit
It’s hasn’t been the headache
or the last patient I spoke to
She had metastasis all over her
Liver
I was seeing her for the third time
Everyday she appears wasting away
But today I paused and asked myself
How many more years has she got?
And she?
I was talking about myself
what kind of object
is full on the outside
But so hollow on the inside
The object is me
I hate this feeling, I hate the fact
that I have to talk about it
I hate the fact that I don’t
Know what is wrong
I hate the fact that vulnerability
comes so easily
I hate the fact that I am a permeable
membrane to sadness
I am not suicidal but I have been
Thinking of that lately
Reminiscing my first accident
the flashes of light across my face
And my second
I hope it is my last
I still bear the mark near my right eye
I hate the fact that I can talk about it
I hate the fact that twenty minutes ago
I was laughing uncontrollably with a colleague
and right now I am typing these words in an empty room
I love empty rooms
I love walking on empty roads
I have been working too much of late
Sleeping little
Eating close to nothing
Listening to all kinds of high songs and low songs
Whitney’s I look to you
Celine Dion’s my heart will go
I ate KFC twice yesterday
the second I just felt to buy it
Is it true that these things are
happening?
Or I am just lost in the illusion
If i hit the publish button
I should be the bravest
No I should be worried
who sees this
Who reads this
No I should be worried
Who judges this
No I should be worried
If nobody feels like this
Sometimes too
Hey how how are you?
Honestly I am not fine.
And I don’t know why.
But this water will not drown me
The clouds are gathering up
my rainbow for me
😊😊😊